Optimism.

Perfection.

I am neurotic.  I will wholeheartedly own up to that one.  I eat my Skittles in color order.  My bags of Chex Mix must be consumed in a specific piece-order.  I have to sleep with the window opened all year-round no matter how cold it is in the fear that I’ll suffocate if I don’t.  I can’t sleep in the position where I’m facing someone, the thought of breathing hot recycled air just sounds disgusting.  I need to have two planners to write out all my academic to-do lists and then another to fit in everything else.  Maybe it’s because I am so neurotic about how some of life’s simple processes must work that I feel like there must be a way to attain a certain level of perfection in everything even if that one thing is love. 

I know people say that there’s no such thing as perfection in love.  Things are bound to go wrong, arguments are bound to happen and that someone will end up heartbroken.  I guess because of all those things already, love is destined to be defined as “imperfect” but I disagree.  While the road to find love is never easy, is never truly mess-free, I want to find love that seems perfect to me and the person that I share it with.  

The thing is when it comes to love, I’d like to think that I’m a bit of a dreamer and a definite hopeless romantic. I don’t mean it in the way that I need a Prince Charming to slay my dragons or climb up an impossibly tall tower to rescue me.  I mean it in the  way where it can be almost described as perfect domestic bliss.  I want to find a love that proves all the heartbreak that surrounds us is wrong.  I want to find a love that disillusions all the preconceived expectations people have about heartbreak.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of the little spats and disagreements but, I want a love that reminds me that despite those arguments, we can click mentally, physically and emotionally.  

No one wants to hear about how good someone’s love life is.  No one wants to hear the mush about how great it is to lie around in bed on a Saturday night silently and just listen to the rain fall.  No one wants to hear about the nights spent together laughing and cooking and baking and tickling each other and pulling stupid pranks on each other and just staying up talking until the wee hours of the night.  People want to hear about the latest argument, the last screw-up.  “What do you mean you feel neglected?”  ”She cheated on you with WHO?”  ”He forgot about your one year anniversary? Is he for real right now?”  And when that happens, it is so hard for anyone to break away from feeling like their relationship is too good to be true.  You might not even realize it but soon, you’ll start picking away at everything.  The simplest gestures like him squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle and not from the end or her putting a bowl of potpourri in your manly bathroom will be reason enough for an argument.  And then, after one too many arguments, you’ll be done.  You’ll be tired of constantly fighting over these so-called worthy arguments and you’ll break up.  The cycle then begins again.  You find someone new, you get comfortable with them and maybe, if you’re both lucky enough, you’ll settle down.  But somewhere, somehow down the line, you’ll always think back to that one boyfriend or girlfriend you had and realize that maybe, you didn’t give enough credit then.  You didn’t realize how perfect it was to be able to sit together on a couch and hide under his arm during the scary parts of a movie.  You didn’t realize how perfect it was for her to wake up early every Sunday to prepare party appetizers for you and your guys before the big game on.  And maybe, you’ll regret it.  You’ll regret ever parting your separate ways and secretly you might envision how different life might have been had you kept trying.  

I know I’m no exception to this.  I know I let my vulnerabilities, my weaknesses take me over.  I know I pick at the little things too like how he’s not proactive enough about doing the things he gets done or how he lives in a constant state of “messy.”  I forget about the good times we share.  Oddly enough, I can try to search for words that may describe how much he means but it feels like each time I try to write about it, words just don’t suffice.  I don’t know how to put it in a way that doesn’t seem too boring, or too overly generalized or something that might sound just too dramatic.  All I know is that I care about him.  I care enough about him that I am constantly worried that I’m holding him down and back from achieving bigger things.  I care enough about him that the word “deserve” pops up way too often in our fights.  Maybe that’s why this whole distance and not being able to talk to him on a semi-regular basis has been distressing to say in the least. But even though it’s been tough (and it’s only going to get tougher), I am so incredibly thankful for him.  I am so thankful for the way he puts up with me.  I know I can be immature when it comes to this, I know I often let the expectations from pop culture worthy love stories get in the way of how I see us and yet, he sticks through with it.  And maybe that’s it.  Maybe all I have to do is just  remember this.  Just remember every thing that I’ve written down here about how love is perfect in its own unique imperfect way and that’s why it works.

I know that he’s not what I would call my dream guy but even deep down, I think I know that even when I’ve landed my dream guy I’ll find something wrong.  Even though I have no idea where this relationship is going, what direction we’re headed, where we’re going to be in a few days, weeks, let alone years; perhaps this time I just need to let things go.  I need to not get caught up on the fact that I’ll always feel like I don’t compare up to him and use that as motivation to become a better person.  I need to not let his work habits be the root of arguments but rather learn how to be flexible and just let things flow.  Perhaps when it comes to things like this, being neurotic and following other people’s expectations just won’t work.  Perhaps, it’s time for me to come up with my own lifestyle, my own set of rules that will make all this just perfectly perfect for me.  

Point.

I think I’m at that point where I’m beginning to forget.  I am forgetting what it feels like to have butterflies in my stomach.  I am forgetting what it feels like to have goosebumps all over my skin.  I am forgetting what it feels like to have a smile secretly reach across my face. I am forgetting what it’s like to hear my rapid heartbeat in my head.  I am forgetting what it feels like to be truly safe.  I’ve never been more afraid in my life.  

Funny.

It’s funny how some things work.  

All my life, I can remember my mom telling me, “All I want is for you to be happy.”  Yet, this simple definition of happy isn’t defined by my own terms.  This idea of happiness must align with what she sees is right.  I remember being younger and coming home, telling her that I was named Student of the Week in my 3rd grade class.  I was exuberant, jumping up and down with the news but her response was hardly enthusiastic.  This news was simply dismissed with a callous “that’s great” and we moved onto working on math worksheets together.  Or as I grew older, working on my research project on homophobic bullying in high school, I remember being so proud of the achievements I had accomplished throughout the process.  Rather than egging me on or providing me with support, I was always asked the question, “Why are you working so hard on this?  There are other more important things in life.”  Although her advice was valid to certain extents, it didn’t hit me till now how our definitions of happiness seem to differ.  

Right now, happiness is a simple concept.  It means feeling good about myself, staying productive and being surrounded by good company.  And yet, these ideas contrast against what happiness means to my mother.  I told her back in November that I had been asked out by one of my really good friends at school.  Although expected, her initial reaction was poor.  She demanded to know everything about him, sought to criticize everything about him from his choice in major to sadly, even his ethnicity.  Even through the past 5 months that we have been dating, her response has not changed.  She still chooses to refer to him as a simple “friend” who I am just slightly more compatible with.  She doesn’t understand why I am choosing to stick with him rather than explore my options.  She tells me that I am young and that there’s no need to be serious about anything.  Yet, what she doesn’t understand is how these ideas have impacted me.  Because of her, I am prone to finding all the little things in the relationship that don’t work.  Because of her, I expect perfection in something where perfection can never truly be achieved.  Because of her, I am unable to appreciate many of the things that I have gained from this relationship because I am constantly worried that being with him also makes me a major disappointment in her life.  I’m terrified to ever tell him anything related to him.  Like, for example, today, when I told her I was a little upset that it was my last time actually talking to him for the next 2 months. Her response to me being upset was, “Why are you taking it seriously?  If it makes you upset, just break up with him.”  What I want from my mom is to not hear that but rather, I want my mom to be my best friend where I’m not afraid to tell her things.

While I can understand the root of her anxieties, what she doesn’t understand is how her past grudges have impacted me.  I’m scared to continue growing in a way where I grow bitter towards the one thing that is important to everyone else: love.  I want to be able to love without pushing people away or feeling as if I don’t deserve it.  I want to be in love or feel like I can be in love without being terrified of whether or not my mom approves.  I also want my mom to be able to share the feeling of happiness that comes from it.  I want her to be reminded of what it means to be happy and not angry and frustrated all the time. I want her to be able to share the same reason for happiness as I do, whether it be because I met the right guy or because I accomplished a goal of mine.  I want her to not question the root of my happiness or dismiss it.  All I want is for us to finally be happy together.

Dear Future Me.

Your days left as a teen are numbered.  You’ve got less than a 100 days left to enjoy it all.  I just wanted to remind you about how proud of you I am for coming so far already.  Last year at this time, you were still so shy, so afraid of things but I can slowly see you coming out of your shell.  But girl, you’ve still got oh so many miles to go so here’s just a few pointers so you don’t forget. 

1. It’s okay to fall.   I know how afraid you are to let people see your cracks, to see you at your weakest but I’m letting you know that it’s okay.  Try actually falling in love.  Try letting him in to your life and sharing your secrets with him.  Try holding him closer instead of always pushing him away.  You know it’s not easy for him to put up with you so give him a leeway.  And do the same with everyone else in your life.  Do it with your friends who want to be there to support you and not watch you struggle through things on your own.  Trust a little more.  

2. Just do it.  I know, you’re going to make the defensive argument that you do let yourself go but we know that’s a lie.  You’re a calculating manipulative fool.  You take the time to think about the consequences of your actions before doing anything.  You worry constantly about how people will see you.  You’ve started to lose sense of what it means to be happy for yourself, to do things for yourself.  Go out and try new things.  Stop saying no.  Leave  your comfort zone.  Find happiness for yourself.  Don’t be so afraid or cautious over everything.  Let loose.  Live a little.  Heck, you only have one chance to live this life right so go for it. 

3. Laugh more.   Go ahead and laugh.  The amount of time you spend laughing is nowhere NEAR the amount of time you spend being stressed or worried or acting stern.  Let loose.  Don’t be afraid to laugh obnoxiously with maybe an occasional snort being let out.  Remember, when you used to start off each day with a smile to yourself in the mirror?  Pick up that habit again.  Be genuine about your emotions.  It’s okay to be optimistic, to be peppy about the small things that most people don’t care about.  Just smile and laugh more.  Find a way to accomplish this no matter what it takes. 

You’ve got so much to look forward to, so much to be excited about.  Go out there and chase down your dreams.  If there was ever a time to not hold back, the time is here and now.  

390.

390 people.  97 families.

I remember dismissal time in the 5th grade vividly.  Before we were able to run down the stairs and to “freedom,” Ms. Korobelnik used to always line us up in the back of the room and say to us sternly, “Have a great day, kids!  Don’t forget to always do good for others.”  Being a 10 year old at the time, I never really thought much of what she said.  Like my other classmates, I was too engrossed with counting down the seconds on the clock before she let us go or daydreaming about what scrumptious after school snack I’d have when I got home.  Now that I’m older however, that simple statement, “Do good for others” has never resonated louder in me.  

On Sunday, I was able to cross off one of the items I’ve had on my bucket list for a very long time.  I can now say confidently that I have successfully planned and ran a food pantry.  I’m not sure what words there are to describe how good it feels to even have the opportunity to make such a difference.  At Alpha Phi Omega’s Mobile Food Pantry on Sunday, we were able to help 97 families in Livingston County and 390 people in general.  It felt amazing to have the opportunity to talk to some of the families that came out to the event.  It felt even better to be there to see families smile and tell me that because of the help they had gotten that day, they no longer had to worry about making ends meet that week.  At the very least, Sunday’s event was such a humbling experience and I’m so fortunate of the fact that I was able to be a part of it.  

I’d like to think that if I happened to chance upon Ms. Korobelnik now, she’d be proud.  I’d like to think that I’ve been starting to live up to her ideals of what it meant to serve the community and give back to those around me.  I’d like to think that I didn’t let her biggest lesson that year fall upon deaf ears.  

As Ms. Korobelnik used to always say, “Don’t forget to do good.”  Today, I make the promise to never ever forget.